i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
