He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
