We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
