So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
