So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
