Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
