Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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