the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
