So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
