How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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