I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
