85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
