Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
