will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
