So drunk its hurt
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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