i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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