I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
