So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
