Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
