i just had sex bonerless
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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