Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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