I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
