Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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