I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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