I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
