No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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