im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
