then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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