Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
