I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
