how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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