new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
