My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This baby is an asshole
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
