i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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