Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
