She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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