I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
