Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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