You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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