There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i was born a porn star she said
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
