Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
