either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
