Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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