Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
