Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
