Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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