The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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