I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
