I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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