I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
