I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
