There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
