So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
