I bet he comes in French.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.