i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.