All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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