Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sobbing to NWA
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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