and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
