We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this will be a night to untag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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