Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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