I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
